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Relationships can be hard, there's no denying it: whether it's navigating the anxieties of a situationship, exploring our own attachment styles or wondering when is the right time to break up, dating can come with a lot of baggage. But for some women in heterosexual relationships, things are even more complicated due to the uneven power dynamics between men and women which linger to this day, impacting intimate romantic connections through things like weaponised incompetence, the romance gap or unequally distributed emotional labour. Is there an alternative? Well, some individuals think female-led relationships are the key.

Female-led relationships are a form of heterosexual dynamic which operates on the premise that, historically, men have been the dominant individuals in relationships. This means that, due to social privilege or convention, it may have been men who were expected to make the first move, make significant decisions such as where a couple lives, or be the "bread-winner" in a marriage. Nowadays, relationships are a lot more equal, but there are still issues such as uneven financial privilege and gendered expectations which may disadvantage women.

With that in mind, female-led relationships seek to create an opposing model. Rather than aiming for equality between a male and female partner, they propose a situation where women take the role which has traditionally been occupied by men in intimate relationships. There are varying degrees of female-led relationship which consensually give different levels of power over to the woman: from total control to a subtler dominance. For some, the practice is linked to kink and power play dynamics in the BDSM community.

Intrigued by female-led relationships? Keep reading for expert advice from Dr Rina Bajaj, a counselling psychologist chartered with the British Psychological Society and registered with the Health Professionals Council.

What is a female-led relationship?

So, first thing's first: how would an expert define a female-led relationship? According to Dr Rina Bajaj, it basically does what it says on the tin. "In this kind of relationship, the female is the dominant partner and assumes the lead in terms of decisions, control, authority or sexual dynamic," she explains. "In this instance, the male is in a more submissive role in the relationship."

But it's important to emphasise that this dynamic has to be consented to, agreed upon and negotiated. "However, it’s important to state that the level of control will be dependant on what has been negotiated by the couple and each relationship will have its own dynamics," assures Rina.

justin lambert //Getty Images

Do female-led relationships have roots in BDSM?

The term female-led relationship (FLR) is often used in the kink contexts to describe a lifestyle where women in a relationship are the dominant, with a male submissive. "In BDSM terms, female-led relationships are where women have agreed and consensual power and control over men in a relationship," Rina clarifies.

However, nowadays the term doesn't exclusively apply to BDSM subcultures and is being used increasingly to discuss relationships where women are taking more control of relationships due to a context of increased gender equality. "Traditionally, FLRs have roots in BDSM and the kink community, but this has now expanded beyond sexual fantasies and translated more into mainstream relationships where feminism may be an important part of the value system of the relationship or the woman is seen as the head of the household and takes the lead on a wide variety of decisions."

What are the different type of female-led relationship?

Like with many things in life, FLRs are far from black and white. Rina identifies four levels of female-led relationship which involve varying degrees of female authority: low control, moderate control, defined control and extreme control.

• Low control: "There is more mutual decision-making and the female leads on certain aspects of the relationship or certain tasks."
• Moderate control: "The female may take charge of the day-to-day tasks and she has the final say on certain domains or decisions. This may feel more balanced in terms of the relationship."
• Defined control: "There is a defined boundary over where the female takes the lead so both parties can manage their expectations and know where they stand in the relationship."
• Extreme control: "The female holds the power and decision making and shows extreme dominance in the relationship."

Photographer, Basak Gurbuz Derman//Getty Images

How do female-led relationships differ from other types of relationship?

It's likely you'll have seen plenty of heterosexual relationships where the woman takes the lead or where both partners bunk gendered expectations. So what makes a FLR so special? Specifically, these relationship structures are more matriarchal than patriarchal or equal.

"Female-led relationships challenge the traditional gender roles in relationships where the male usually takes the lead and they also challenge relationships which are based more on equality," explains Rina.

There's also the fact that, rather than the dynamic occurring naturally, it's based on pre-agreed boundaries. "In FLR, the female becomes the main decision maker, with clearly defined boundaries around the level of authority that each parter has when it comes to the decision making and how the relationship moves forward."

Do female-led relationship work?

As with any other alternative relationship choice, such as polyamory or open relationships, FLRs aren't for everyone – and that's okay! Before broaching this relationship style with your partner, it's worth reflecting on whether it would suit with your lifestyle and you and your partner's aims, goals and preferences in life.

There are different scenarios where it might work, such as for individuals who are looking for a relationship which defies social conventions or, as Rina defines them; "Couples who are interested in having a non-traditional relationship and do not wish to adhere to traditional gender roles or traditional concepts around masculinity and femininity."

Additionally, this relationship style could work for couples where the woman naturally has a more dominant personality or has a more demanding career, or in situations where the man is keen to give up more control in his romantic life.

Finally, if you're struggling to hash out the terms of a FLR or are having difficulties making the transition, it can help to speak to a relationships counsellor as a couple, rather than abandoning the idea altogether if it's something you both still want to try. In this instance, make sure that you seek out a practitioner who specialises in Gender, Sexuality and Relationship Diversity (GSRD) and may be better placed to support with alternative relationship styles.

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