Pillow princess - What is a pillow princess?
The term ‘Pillow Princess’ has received a lot of negative press over the years. For example, the LovePanky website explicitly informs you ‘how not to be one’ and suggests that if you *are* one, it’s ‘also likely that no one wants to have sex with you’, while over on Reddit, there are countless posts from people unable to understand the appeal of being or dating a Pillow Princess.
So, beyond the stigma, what does the term actually mean and why do people claim to be princesses in the sheets?
What is a Pillow Princess?
The term Pillow Princess originated in the LGBTQIA+ community, particularly among lesbian, bi/pan and queer women to describe a dynamic between female partners where one person primarily receives sexual pleasure - without any expectation of reciprocation.
Often, the term is associated with femme lesbians, but anyone can be a Pillow Princess, regardless of their gender expression. “It’s most often used within the context of a butch-femme dynamic, and yet, don’t be fooled! I’ve known many a butch or masc-presenting lesbian to be a Pillow Princess in my extensive experience of queer sex,” says Helen Scott, author of Live, Laugh, Lesbian.
Live, Laugh, Lesbian: Navigating Life as a Lesbian in the 21st Century
Is it bad to be a Pillow Princess?
The word first appeared in sapphic (an umbrella term for lesbian, bisexual, pansexual and queer women) communities in the ‘90s, where it carried both positive and negative connotations - much like it does today.
In the 2010s, the term was picked up by mainstream media and used in a more general fashion, including to describe sexual encounters between men and women. As you might have guessed, any positive associations of the word were shed in this usage and the term began to be used interchangeably with words like ‘starfish’ - a derogatory and pretty misogynistic way to describe a woman who’s ‘lazy in bed’.
But, in recent years, queer women have been reclaiming the term; the hashtag #PillowPrincess has 147.4M views on TikTok (although not all the videos are about queer women) and the self-described FLINTA (female, lesbians, intersex, non-binary, trans and agender) dating app HER even allows users to add a Pillow Princess badge to their profiles.
“The term Pillow Princess used playfully between lovers or when gossiping with pals may not appear harmful, but I think we all know better than to label someone something that they haven’t identified as in 2023,” says Scott. “You may find some who wear the label proudly, you may find stone butch lesbians (those who don’t receive in any capacity) have found their dream match. Stigmas are eradicated when they’re discussed fully, understood, and communicated about in an open and respectful way.”
Why are some women Pillow Princesses?
When used as an identifier and not as an insult, Pillow Princess dynamics are about sexual encounters outside of heterosexual ideas AKA: sex being focused on a man’s (or more dominant partner if there’s no man involved) pleasure and orgasm.
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Dynamics where one person specifically receives and one person specifically gives can either be a deliberate power-play (sometimes this is called topping and bottoming in sapphic communities), a way for queer women to explore without expectation of reciprocation, or it can be a dynamic that opens up different sexual experiences for people with dysphoria or sensory issues.
“Amongst my friends group which consists mostly of neurodivergent people, a lot of us get labelled pillow princesses. But it feels like it’s not out of like choice but because [of] sensory overwhelm. I find it hard enough putting food in my mouth, let alone people’s anatomy,” Daisy*, who is autistic, explains to Cosmopolitan UK.
She says that she does feel like there’s still a stigma around the term, with people still viewing Pillow Princesses as ‘bad in bed or lazy’.
Jaime Grajales Benjumea
“Not everyone enjoys giving pleasure to somebody else and calling someone a Pillow Princess in this day and age, with all the language and understanding we have around sexual experiences and self-pleasure is just plain ignorant,” agrees Scott.
“We’re also in a place now where we have more confidence and autonomy with regards to our own pleasure and how we engage in sexual activities. There’s also the pressure of ‘getting it right’ and with such a lack of sex education, and the performative culture of porn, some people are probably just scared of getting it wrong, and who can blame them, the vulva can be a little intimidating!” the author adds.
For Daisy, her most successful sexual relationships have been with people who like to give pleasure or ‘top’, without expecting reciprocation. “I think I have it easier in some ways though as a lesbian because we have a vocabulary around it - even if it's imperfect. My straight friends don’t seem to have that choice,” she says.
Pillow Princess remains a contentious term, and while using it to describe someone else can be insulting, for others, it’s a badge of honour and a nod to queer history and sexuality. So, whether you want to wear the crown or not, I think we can all agree it’s time to retire shaming women for being ‘lazy’ in bed.
*Not her real name.
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